XXVI. Professor Dave's Lesson
Dave “the Dude” Devoran, free‑market ambassador, came to Budapest to spread the gospel of capitalism and make his fortune, but he’s been having a rough time of it. What follows is Episode XXVI.
By Berger Bronte
(© Tom Popper)
The guy looks like Fred Gwynne from “The Munsters” and sounds like Béla Lugosi on valium: “I am Zoltan. ... I work for the Interior Ministry. ... I have a special job which I cannot tell anyone about. ... My hobby is to go for long wanderings in the forest and identify the species of trees. ... I am happy to make better my English.”
“Thank you Zoltan!” I say in my best impersonation of a game‑show host. “And you, next to Zoltan, tell us something about yourself.”
“I am Éva. ... I work for the Interior Ministry. ... I have a special job ...”
I check my watch and see that this little exercise is going to eat up about five minutes. That means I’ll have to pretend to teach English for another hour and ten minutes.
This is not what I expected. Chuck Saunders told me he needed help with a consulting project that involves the Hungarian government and an American private security company. It turns out that the first phase of the project is improving the English of some of the Hungarian workers. It also turns out that I’m the English teacher.
“Sooo, let’s try some conversation. Uh, Zoltan, please, tell us more about your hobby.”
“I look at the trees and decide what they are,” he says dryly. Then he shrugs and smirks defiantly under his graying mustache.
“Um ... yes ... well. Thank you Zoltan.” I don’t sound at all sarcastic when I say this. “Well, does anyone else have any feelings about Zoltan’s hobby?”
No sound. No motion. Are they dead?
“Uh huh, OK,” I try again. “No one even thinks this is an unusual activity? Maybe a little strange?”
Maria’s hand edges up. I smile encouragingly and call on her.
“Yes,” she says.
“Yes what, Maria?”
“Yes. It is strange.”
“Thank you Maria. So, Zoltan, how do you feel about what Maria said?”
“It is not strange.”
“Great. Thanks Zoltan.” I try not to sound angry as I check my watch and see that we have an hour and seven minutes to go. “OK everyone, let’s open our books to the first chapter.”
Zoltan’s hand shoots up and he snaps: “It is absolutely not strange to identify trees.”
Maria doesn’t bother to raise her hand: “It absolutely is strange.”
“Yeees ...” I’m thinking quickly now. “Let’s return to the conversation then. Maria, why do you think Zoltan’s hobby is strange?”
Her brow wrinkles, she frowns, her cheeks puff up, she purses her lips and — nothing. All eight students stare at her for two silent minutes as her facial contortion grows more intense. Soon she is shaking her head violently from side to side, her eyes are shut tight and she appears ready to cry.
“Thank you Maria,” I say, in the game‑show voice.
One hour and five minutes to go.